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WHY
I'M NOT ANN LANDERScopyright 2004 Naomi Des
Moinesall rights reserved
It’s
been 20 years, and I’m still pissed off
at the way the Chicago Sun Times handled their
publicity stunt contest to find the new
Ann Landers after Eppie Lederer took the big
bucks and defected to the Chicago Tribune. My
primary complaint is that I didn’t win. My
second complaint is that the winners were losers. I
made the first cut. From 11,000 entrants,
the Sun Times narrowed it down to the one
hundred or so of us who were most eager
to give the world a piece of our minds. Each finalist
received the same congratulatory
letter in the mail, and the same four questions
to answer to gauge our savvy in the advice
deparment. I’ve
lost the questions (or ripped them to shreds
in a moment of rage, I can’t remember),
so I’m paraphrasing to capture the essence
of the test:
Question
#1: "I think my wife is cheating on me
with my brother. Whenever
I go somewhere, I can’t get in touch
with either of them, and they act pretty fond
of each other at family gatherings. Should
I pretend to go out, then double back and
follow my wife to see if I can catch her ? Signed, Biting
My Nails in Tuscon.
Naomi's
Answer;
Dear
Biting, Take your fingers out of your mouth
and start talking to your wife. Tell
her your suspicions and ask her if they are
true. If
you are a good husband who pays attention to
his wife, you’ll know in your gut if
she’s hiding something. If
you suspect she’s lying, tell her so,
and tell her the reasons why. If
she loves you and has a brain, she’ll
be able to convince you of her innocence and/or
break off with your brother. If
you love her, the problem is solved either
way. Let
it go. If, however, she doesn’t
love you, you’re dead in the water, whether
she’s hot for your brother or not. In
either case, try to leave your brother out
of it. Don’t
give your Ma more grief than she already has.
- I
may have been exposed to HIV. What
should I do? (This
was the ‘can you be a serious and responsible
person' question.) I
presented in a caring and empathic manner
the required info: get
tested. Get treated. Notify
those you may have infected. Practice safe sex. I
closed with one true sentiment: “Sorry
for the bad luck, buddy. It
could happen to anyone.”
- What’s
your definition of chutzpah?
Answer: Today
I bought a dress to wear on The Oprah Winfrey
Show as the new Ann Landers.
4. My
husband of 20 years has given me an ultimatum. If
I don’t lose 60 pounds in 6 months, he’s
leaving me. I
know I’m overweight, and I’d like
to shed some pounds, but I am in a state of
panic. I
overeat when I’m nervous. What should I do? Desperate in Dallas.
The
whole process of striving to be Ann Landers
was aided and abetted by my two best friends,
Pam and Lulu. Pam was a genius at the one liners. It
was she who came up with the “…take
your fingers out of your mouth and start talking
to your wife” line. Question number four really set
us off. “Sounds
like the scam my cousin Sally’s husband
tried to pull on her. Whatta
pathetic sleezebag,” said Lulu. “What
happened?” Pam
and I said. “He
had a new skinny girlfriend, of course. But
he wanted to make Sally think the breakup was
HER fault. So he does the same thing as this
guy in Dallas. He says if Sally
doesn’t lose fifty pounds, he’s
leaving her. Claims
he’s doing it for her health because
he LOVES her.” Lulu
laughed. Pam
and I laughed with her. “So,
what happened?” we asked again. “He
left her for the skinny broad, naturally. Poor Sally gained ten
pounds in a month just thinking about his ultimatum,
so he cut the deadline short and bolted. Said
he was worried she’d have a heart attack.”"Poor
Sally," I said."Nah," Lulu said. "It
all turned out for the better."
[to
be continued....]
NAOMI'S
ADVICE
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