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WHY
I'M NOT ANN LANDERS
copyright
2004 Naomi Des Moines
all
rights reserved
It’s
been 20 years, and I’m still pissed off
at the way the Chicago Sun Times handled their
publicity stunt contest to find the new Ann
Landers after Eppie Lederer took the big bucks
and defected to the Chicago Tribune.
My primary complaint is that I didn’t
win. My
second complaint is that the winners were losers.
I made the first cut. From 11,000
entrants, the Sun Times narrowed it down to the one
hundred or so of us who were most eager
to give the world a piece of our minds.
Each finalist received the same congratulatory
letter in the mail, and the same four questions
to answer to gauge our savvy in the advice deparment.
I’ve lost the questions (or ripped
them to shreds in a moment of rage, I can’t
remember), so I’m paraphrasing to capture
the essence of the test:
Question
#1:
"I
think my wife is cheating on me with my brother.
Whenever I go somewhere, I can’t
get in touch with either of them, and they act
pretty fond of each other at family gatherings.
Should I pretend to go out, then double
back and follow my wife to see if I can catch
her ?
Signed, Biting My Nails in Tuscon.
Naomi's
Answer;
Dear
Biting,
Take
your fingers out of your mouth and start talking
to your wife. Tell
her your suspicions and ask her if they are true.
If you are a good husband who pays attention
to his wife, you’ll know in your gut if
she’s hiding something. If you
suspect she’s lying, tell her so, and tell
her the reasons why.
If she loves you and has a brain, she’ll
be able to convince you of her innocence and/or
break off with your brother. If
you love her, the problem is solved either way.
Let it go. If, however, she doesn’t
love you, you’re dead in the water, whether
she’s hot for your brother or not.
In either case, try to leave your brother
out of it. Don’t
give your Ma more grief than she already has.
- I
may have been exposed to HIV.
What should I do?
(This was the ‘can you be a serious
and responsible person' question.)
I presented in a caring and empathic
manner the required info:
get tested. Get treated.
Notify those you may have infected. Practice safe sex.
I closed with one true sentiment: “Sorry
for the bad luck, buddy.
It could happen to anyone.”
- What’s
your definition of chutzpah?
Answer:
Today I bought a dress to wear on The Oprah
Winfrey Show as the new Ann Landers.
4.
My husband of 20 years has given me an ultimatum.
If I don’t lose 60 pounds in 6 months,
he’s leaving me.
I know I’m overweight, and I’d
like to shed some pounds, but I am in a state
of panic.
I overeat when I’m nervous. What should I do?
Desperate in Dallas.
The
whole process of striving to be Ann Landers was
aided and abetted by my two best friends, Pam
and Lulu. Pam was a genius at the one liners.
It was she who came up with the “…take
your fingers out of your mouth and start talking
to your wife” line.
Question number four really set
us off.
“Sounds like the scam my cousin Sally’s
husband tried to pull on her.
Whatta pathetic sleezebag,” said
Lulu.
“What happened?”
Pam and I said.
“He had a new skinny girlfriend,
of course.
But he wanted to make Sally think the breakup
was HER fault. So he does the same thing as this
guy in Dallas. He says if Sally doesn’t
lose fifty pounds, he’s leaving her.
Claims he’s doing it for her health
because he LOVES her.”
Lulu laughed.
Pam and I laughed with her.
“So, what happened?” we asked
again.
“He
left her for the skinny broad, naturally. Poor Sally gained ten pounds
in a month just thinking about his ultimatum,
so he cut the deadline short and bolted.
Said he was worried she’d have a
heart attack.”
"Poor
Sally," I said.
"Nah,"
Lulu said. "It all turned out for the better."
[to
be continued....]
NAOMI'S
ADVICE
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